High-Five Deprive!

This story is for Mr. Matt Swaim, who often inspires me to write and laugh.

Today, MSN reported that Kilmer Middle School in Vienna, Virginia inacted a strict "no contact" policy. That means the acts of hugging, hand-holding, and even high-fives can get students sent to the principal's office. The Fairfax County school has adopted this policy because apparently they have seen pokes lead to fights, gang signs in the form of handshakes, or embarrassed girls stuck in hugs.

A little excessive I think... but then again Junior highers need a lot of boundaries thrust upon them.

How I Plan to Survive or People I Will Team Up With Soon

Okay, so this is just theoretical... since most of the people on this list do not even exist, one is dead, and some don't know me. But, I would like to share my reasoning with you... If the near future holds some sort of apocalypse then I would like to be prepared... so, without further ado I give you the list!

1. Angel & Spike

What is better than one super-powered vampire with a soul sworn to protect the good and fight evil? Two vampires of the same vein! Plus these guys have tons of experience fighting huge demons and even zombies from time to time. That could come in handy! Although they do have a lot of issues and the in-fighting would get a little crazy.

2. Johnston Green & Robert Hawkins

These two come with experience and leadership. Plus, they are well versed in survival and leading a small town through a post-apocalyptic winter... need I say more?

3. Mal & Jayne

Mal is a natural leader who has fought everything from soldiers to reavers. He is tough in a battle with a good sense of humour. Jayne, well Jayne is a big idiot who is great with large guns... in that way he is kind of like the G.I. Joe "Rock N' Roll." And speaking of joes...

4. Snake Eyes

Snake Eyes is a ninja for Pete's sake! He is tough, and doesn't say a word! He has taken down entire army units by himself... again, need I say more?

5. Doc Holliday or Tom Van Allen/Danny Parker

Sickly or crazy he is still Val Kilmer and tough as shit in these roles. I wouldn't try to outdraw even a dying Doc Holliday and as for Tom Van Allen/Danny Parker... let's just say if you go crazy because you see your wife murdered by dirty cops and start using meth. Well, I wouldn't want to mess with him either!

6. The Boondock Saints

Gripe all you want Swaim... they are awesome! And as the zombie-fighting priest in Dead Alive says, (they) "kick arse for the Lord!"

7. Johnny Cash & Kris Kristofferson

Come on... in real life they were/are both tough as nails. Plus they played (rather poorly, but I'm willing to overlook it) Frank & Jesse James in a movie!

8. Batman

Christian Bale as Batman was pure genius! He is by far... the best Batman EVER! Not to mention awesome in other movies. But I digress... Batman has a lot of fighting skills and doesn't really seem to sleep. Whether it is the ninja Bruce Wayne or the Dark Knight himself... I want him on my team!

9. Sean Connery

The only real James Bond (sorry Daniel Craig, you were great but there is only one Bond). Plus he was pretty tough in The Rock. And in that one dumb movie he said a line that ended in "Dawg."

10. Bruce Willis

He was/is in all those Die Hard movies and I think he proved himself there. But, he went even a step further as David Dunn in Unbreakable. That will always be one of my favorites... so either way he is in! Plus he was in Moonlighting.... what?

11. Joss Whedon

So in case you couldn't already tell... I love Joss Whedon stuff! He is a great writer/director who has created some of my favorite series. I figured if he can do all of that, he would be useful in an end-of-the-world type situation.

12. Tyler Durden

Come on he is crazy out of his mind and he started "fight clubs" all over the country. Plus he blew up credit card companies... he gets my vote!

13. V

Anyone who stands up to a post-apocalyptic London and gets the people thinking again is a friend of mine.

14. Eugene Hutz

Singer for Gogol Bordello... quite possibly the best band EVER! Plus he was in the film Everything is Illuminated and apparently the ladies get very carnal with him... because he is a premium dancer. If this guy believes half of his lyrics about revolution and being a gypsy punk than he is worthy of being on my team.

15. the "God's Hand Killer"

I know it sounds creepy, but hell I would want a guy who is killing demons on my side! Hopefully he wouldn't get into it with the vampires on my crew!

16. M. Knight Shyamalan

I do not care what critics say... they are mostly assholes! He is probably the greatest writer/directer of our time! He is incredibly gifted and intelligent, so I figured he could get me out of some scrapes! I was considering adding Paul Giamatti as well since he is in the picture. But, I couldn't get the scene of him drinking wine out of a spit bucket out of my head. Sorry Paul!

17. Wolverine

Wolverine is the ultimate soldier. To survive any kind of apocalypse you would need him, he is a given!

18. Mark

Don't under-estimate him because he looks nice and is holding a chinchilla. This guy is my right hand man in case zombies attack. He is big, quiet, tough, and a bonafide hero (currently an EMT, training to be a firefighter). Ladies, the line forms on the left!

19. Keith

Sure he looks like a nice, family man... but he is tough as shit! He was raised by wolves... not really, but pretty close. He is stealthy and handy with a car or in the kitchen. Plus, he tells the best stories and is in my top five friends to drink with. If you don't know him you should! Just don't ask him about his mom...

20. Will Ferrell

Okay honestly I just wanted an excuse to post this picture... awesome!

21. My four other favorite friends to drink with:

Dan C., Matt S., Dustin H., & Jon C.

Sorry guys I have no good pics of you... but I have always included you in my post-apocalyptic planning. You should all know that by now!

The Islands are no More!

I recently came across a story about how the Islands of Fiji are disappearing into the sea. The shore around the islands are much farther up than they used to be. The coral and mangroves of the island are disappearing. The Fijians are worried, and for a laid back society... that is saying something.

I know that this is happening to every island around the world. As the ice caps melt, there is naturally more water. But, having spent my honeymoon there Fiji has a special little place in my heart. Despite the fact that I fell down a water fall and busted my camera (& bruised myself up). The islands are pure beauty, and the have things like Kava there! Now, they are slowly melting away... scientists predict a drastic change on the islands in the next 20 years.

Despite all of the evidence my father (and right-wing religous nuts, i.e. Dobson) still refuse to believe in global warming. Maybe when the islands disappear they will change their minds! My advice to everyone now is to go see the islands as soon as possible! And maybe someone should alert the castaways of flight 815 and the others to get off that damn island!

Catch Up!

Sorry for my lack of blogging, or really communication of any kind! I don't have much to say right now and I am really busy... but I did want to say one thing. PARIS HILTON IS BACK IN JAIL! YEAH! At least until her rich family gets her out again... I am really trying to get over my disgust for rich celebrities, but I honestly got a lot of joy when I heard she was in jail.

Quick Recap of this week:

Paris went to jail! Two politicians (democrat & republican) are both facing jail time as well! This really has been a great week!

No Good Prospects for 2008 Yet!

I am still waiting for my working class hero of the people to emerge and take the country by storm! Where are you? All of these candidates are far too similar! Someone please save us from yet another election where there is only two rich, white guys supported by special interests! And no, when I say "save us", I am not talking to you Hillary!

Cracked Windshields & Dead Preachers

This morning I went out to my car and there was a massive crack in the windshield. I was pissed! I just don't want to deal with crap like this... The crack went from the top, down about 9 inches and then took a detour left for another 7 or 8 inches. The weird thing was that the crack was not on either side of the glass! It could not be felt inside or out, but was there anyway. My friend Keith knows a lot about cars and had no idea what was going on with my crazy windshield! AHHH! I hope it does not shatter on me.

This morning a man I would have called enemy a few years ago passed away. Jerry Falwell the leader of the moral majority and the man who embodies everything that I think is screwed up in the Church was found collapsed in his office. I have no joy in hearing that this man has passed on... and today I heard a lot of people (conservative & liberal alike) say that "at least he always stood up for what he believed in." I pray that I am remembered that way someday.

I could talk all day about how almost everything this man said was (in my view) completely wrong and how attitudes like his are the "anti-Christ." And as misdirected as I believe he was, he is gone now... and what he said is between him and God. I guess the only thing left to do is prove him wrong in a manner of speaking. Try to spend time with those who his moral majority deemed "unworthy" of God's love. Maybe extend the branches of the Church out of white, middle to upper class, suburbs. I must be getting old or something!

Anyway, I would like to extend my condolences to his family on many levels. And I will not hold it against his ghost for cracking my windshield! I guess I deserve that one for all the mouthing off I have done over the years...

Things I Should Have Done A Long Time Ago

I put things off... a lot! If you know me outside of this blog you know that I am a great procrastinator... Why take out the trash? I can just smash it down more! Why complete my paperwork ahead of time? I'll just do it the night before it is due! These are the more mild of my offenses... there are some things I have been putting off for a very long time. The biggest of these is seeking out certain people I once called friend and apologizing to them. You see, after getting married, graduating a college I disliked, moving a few times, and switching jobs once or twice... I just stopped trying.

Sometimes people just float apart... and that is true. But it is easier to float apart if one (or both) of them are just not trying. I guess that I just got fed up with things... tired of attitudes, tired of failing, and tired of being the go to guy. There was once a time in my life where I was the king of networking. Seriously! I knew a lot of people and I was a born promoter... Friends, bands, pastors, even college professors came to me and asked me for favors and somehow I pulled these favors off! Looking back, I know that I kind of winged it on a lot of stuff... and although the smarter people knew that and still didn't mind, I often wonder how I got myself into some of those situations... and more importantly, how I got out!

The thing is, after awhile I got sick of being the go-to guy and I shut down on everyone. I have been in a year of self-imposed seclusion because I just couldn't deal with friends, the church, or really anything anymore. I have kept limited communication with some friends, but there are others (even ones who never asked me for a thing) that I just cut off. Well, I am trying to change... I really do miss everybody and I have started to make my apologies. Except to those who always just kept me around for favors... that might take awhile. We will see.

And I Thought Wal-mart Was Bad!

The plight of the coffee farmer is not a new story, but after seeing a provocative and disturbing documentary on the coffee farmers of Ethiopia… I am utterly disgusted. The film centered on a co-operative of farmers who were simply trying to get a fair wage for what they grew. What they get now for an entire bag of coffee beans is around $0.11 per bag. What they are asking for is a mere $0.50 per bag to buy their children clothes, food, clean water, & hopefully an education. More interestingly, the area of Ethiopia that grows the coffee beans for Starbucks has had to set up two large emergency medical and food shelters with various organizations that hold about 200 children each. This area, once considered a vibrant part of the country is now starving to death due to the unfair and sub-standard wage they get for all their hard work.

Now those who know me know that I have been more than harsh toward the way Wal-mart is screwing up our country and many others. And, if you really know me you know that I am no fan of Starbuck’s coffee… but this is appalling! I would never “call” for a boycott of anything because I think people need to make up their own minds about things. But, I will say this: Starbucks, you have now joined the ranks of Wal-mart in my view, and believe me that is not a good place to be. You will never again have my business even by accident. I don’t care if I am out of our normal fair-trade coffee at home and have the worst lack of caffeine headache ever!

If you think I am over-reacting here are a few films for you to watch. “Black Gold” which is what I have been discussing and while you are at it, pick up the one on Wal-mart called “The High Cost of Low Prices.” Once you have watched these two films, then try to consider even spending another dollar at either place!

Bar Fight with Brian McClaren

Okay, so I really do not want to fight the man... just the idea of the "Emergent Church." This has become the target of everything I have problems with in the Church. Although I agree with the missional ideas of this movement it is just that, a movement. The modern Church (specifically in the U.S.) has become obsessed with the idea of movements to solve problems. And while they may create new outlets and ease some tensions for a short time, they never quite solve anything! In fact, a lot of the time they make things worse.

Think back through history about different movements that have sprung up to fight a cause. A lot of people jumped on the bandwagon in the 1950's & 1960's to move out to the suburbs. Now look at our cities... In reaction to that, another movement of recent years is the "Urban Renewal" program. Although this may sound like a good idea, it is in reality the displacement of the poor so that rich, white families feel safe and can also feel good about "cleaning up a neighborhood." In the music scene you have the mess of "Straight-edge" kids who take things too far now. A movement that started in reaction to drug/alcohol abuse, stds, etc. has now become somewhat of a gang in many cities that hinges on violence. Or, how about "Hippies"... yeah, don't even get me started on how ridiculous they are!

What I am saying is why does the Church think it is really any different? I have watched so many "postmodern" or "emergent" ministries and churches start for good reasons... but then crumble when they realize they have ignored the basics of ministry. (i.e. caring for the poor, the elderly, widows & orphans, teaching, etc.) Furthermore, as this movement seems to be winding down in several places new ideas that are purely a reaction have started to organize into a... you guessed it, MOVEMENT! When will it end? When I started looking up other articles and blogs about this I kept finding people who had great new ideas on how to steer the Church away from it's current path. Some even had steps & examples of how to do it, hmmmm sounds like a new movement to me! Does no one else see this?

What I am trying to say is this: If (and I do mean if) the Church is to survive in the next 25 years, it will not be a movement that pulls it out of the water! I believe the Church will always be here in some form, but if you haven't noticed... it seems to be fading quickly. I am not going to give my ideas on how to redeem what we still can because obviously if it caught on it would be a... well you know!

Political Bull Shit

I apologize ahead of time for the less than stunning title. My brain has been afflicted lately with politics and I fear they are getting the best of me. As we grow closer to next year’s presidential election it seems the country will become even more divided. The many issues that face this nation (and the world) will be in debate and the mud-slinging & liable will begin. Although this may seem like an entertaining time, I am never amused by the unrelenting coverage of the media and how the public eats it up. In the end, it seems most Americans vote for the “lesser of two evils” or at least cast their vote in against the “other guy” and pick a president no one wants. No one that is, except the extremists from the far left or far right. Ah yes, the great debates over gay rights, abortion, illegal aliens, the war in terror, health care and even gun control will be had soon… and then quickly pushed aside to make time for whatever issues are plaguing the newly elected president’s lobbyist friends.

We have all heard of lobbyists and the wonderful mess their money and politician’s greed makes. It is fascinating to me that an official elected by the people can spend most of their time helping their rich buddies. Furthermore, it seems insane that there is not more of an uproar from the people about this… But then again presidential elections have nothing to do with reality TV, so why should anyone care?

I have in the past thought that presidential elections were a waste of time. I have only been able to vote in two elections and only voted in the first one…. (ah, Ralph Nader… Why did I waste my vote on you?). I have preached the word of Anti-Politicalness for quite some time. But no matter what you may have heard from my family, people can grow up. Despite my distrust of all politicians, I am officially announcing my candidacy for potential voter! Attention Political Scumbags: Now is your chance to impress me… so get to it! After I have gathered enough information on the major presidential candidates, I will post again on why they are all stupid.